“Zeus, are you sure this is the only way?”
“Goddamn it, Jesus, haven’t you been listening to anything I’ve said? Earth is a fucking wreck right now! This is not how we originally designed it. Everything that we’ve tried to do on Earth has failed. The Christians have taken your teachings and bastardized them. Confucius’ words of wisdom are only found in fortune cookies now with the phrase ‘in bed!’ added to the end of them. The Muslims have taken Mohammed’s work and turned it into bloodshed. And don’t even get me started on what they’ve done with Buddha and Krishna.”
Jesus sat in silence, letting Zeus’ words sink in.
“What about Moses?” asked Jesus.
“Moses? No one gives a shit about Moses anymore! Santa Claus has more clout than Moses these days!”
“Alright Zeus, if you think that’s the only…”
Zeus cut Jesus off in mid-sentence. “Look, I know pivoting and starting completely over is going to take some time, but it’s the only way. We need every Soul back here in the All-Knowing, so we can have a Universal meeting and redesign this fucking thing!”
“So, how are we going to do it?” Jesus asked. “Meteorite, natural disasters, flooding?”
“Jesus Christ, use your brain! The last time we tried to use flooding, Krishna tipped off Noah and fucked the whole thing up. A meteorite and other natural disasters wouldn’t guarantee 100% annihilation, plus it would take too fucking long.”
“What about nuclear war?” asked Jesus.
“A nuclear war would work, and it would be easy to do with Trump’s dumbass Presiding over America, but where’s the fun in that? Also, I don’t want to chance fucking up the natural beauty of Earth any more than we already have.”
“So, what are you thinking?”
“A motherfucking, zombie apocalypse!” said Zeus with a giant, shit-eating grin spreading across his face. “We’ll strategically place the virus all over the world and have Everyone back here within 48 hours.”
“What if some of the Souls get lost or choose not to come back?” Jesus asked.
“Well, that’s where you come in…the Second Coming of Jesus!?! You can finally go back and fulfill the Christian’s prophecy…only, not the way they expected,”
Zeus said, as he gave Jesus a wink.
“Alright then,” Jesus said. “We’ll need unanimous approval by the Board. I’ll go gather the other Members.”
“Sounds good. I’ll start to work on the virus.”
“Shit!”
“What?” asked Zeus.
“Buddha.”
“What about Buddha?”
“Remember? He’s back on Earth, writing stories and shit!”
“Oh, yeah!” Zeus chuckled. “What a fag!”
“No, he’s heterosexual this time, but yeah, he’s gay as fuck!”
Jesus and Zeus both busted up laughing.
“Alright Jesus, you take care of Buddha. I want his ass back here first thing in the morning, so we can get moving on this.”
“My pleasure,” said Jesus as he walked out the door.
Zeus turned, walked over to his table and sat down. He pulled a book from his desk drawer and started thumbing through the pages.
“This is going to be fun!”