Pregnant

         “I’m pregnant,” said Mary.

         “What!?!”

         “I’m pregnant,” repeated Mary.

         “How can this be?” replied Joseph.  “We’ve never had sex!  You told me that you wanted to wait until we were married!” 

        Joseph’s mind was awhirl with hundreds of different thoughts and then it struck him.  “You cheated on me!  How could you!  You said you loved me.”  Mary could see the anger build up in Joseph.

        “No, Joseph, I didn’t cheat on you,” said Mary.

        “No, you didn’t cheat on me?  Then how the fuck did you get pregnant?”

        Mary looked at Joseph with kind, loving eyes.  “This is going to be hard to believe but bear with me.”

        Joseph stared at Mary, arms crossed, tapping his foot on the ground, impatiently waiting to hear her response.

        “God impregnated me.  I’m carrying the son of god.”

        “What?” asked Joseph with a perplexed look on his face.  “You’re telling me that god came down from the heavens, had sex with you and you became pregnant?”

        Mary shook her head.  “No Joseph, I’m still a virgin.  God didn’t have sex with me, he came to me in a dream and told me that when I woke up, I would be pregnant with his child and that his child would save the world.”

        Joseph stood standing with his arms crossed.  “Seriously Mary, you expect me to believe that bullshit?”

        “Joseph, it’s the truth.  I’m carrying the son of god.  I understand that it’s hard for you to believe.  God told me it would take some time before you would come around and that I was to be patient with you and not to judge.”

        They stood there in silence as Joseph tried to make sense of it all.  “Jesus tits,” replied Joseph, brushing his hair back with his hand.  “I need a fucking drink.”  He looked over at Mary and stared at her, shaking his head.  “I’m going to the bar.  Don’t wait up for me.” 

        Joseph left their tent and headed over to Devil’s Promenade Tavern, hoping it would be empty.  He couldn’t believe what he had just heard and needed to take the edge off, but the last thing he wanted to do was tell anyone about it.

        “Joe!” everyone said in unison as he walked into the tavern.  Damnit!  Joseph thought as he walked up to the bar and took a seat.

        “What will it be?” asked the bartender.

        “Give me a Bloody Mary and make it a double,” Joseph replied. 

        He kept his head down, trying to keep to himself when someone came up from behind and slapped him on the shoulder.  “What’s up goatfucker?”

        Joseph looked up to find Gasper, one of the three Wiseasses, with a big smile on his face.  Fuck my life! 

        He tried to avoid saying anything, but Bloody Mary after Bloody Mary loosened his tongue and by the end of the night, the cat was out of the bag.

        The next nine months were a living hell for Joseph.  He was constantly teased by all his friends about Mary not cheating on him and carrying the son of god.  He so desperately wanted to believe her, but it was extremely difficult with all the whispers and gossip behind his back.

        Then came the fateful day.  All of Joseph’s friends were there, including the three Wiseasses; Gaspar, Balthassar, and Melchior.  They all wanted to bear witness to the birth of the son of god!  Everyone’s mind was buzzing with anticipation.

        And then out he came!  Joseph wrapped the baby in swaddling clothes and handed him to his mother.  Mary took the baby and cradled him in her arms, she brushed the blanket back, so she could look at his face.  Everyone leaned in to get a better look.

        “Why that doesn’t look like the son of god,” Gasper turned and said to Joseph.  “That looks like your next-door neighbor!”  The three Wiseasses all broke out in laughter.

        Joseph looked down at the baby’s face, his eyes went wide.

        “Jesus-fucking-Christ!”

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