Time

         Time.  With time you will see the truth, you’ll see how much I’ve grown my heart, my soul.  I understand you love me, but I’m not ready for you.  I’ve got to figure my life out.  I need to understand what it’s like to be without you, to be in a relationship that feels easy, that doesn’t make me face myself.

         Right now, my life feels comfortable, there’s no pain point.  I can relax, I can give in, I can just be.  I was always comparing myself to you, to the standard you set for yourself.  You didn’t place it on me, but I did.  I was never good enough, never worthy of your love.

         No matter how many times you told me, no matter how many times you held me; the pain, the pain was way too unbearable. I wanted to believe in you, wanted to give myself to you, my love to you, but I couldn’t.  I was scared.  Scared that I wasn’t enough.  Scared that I was a stupid, little girl.

         Every time you said you loved me, every time you said you were my best friend, every time you said I was perfection; I wanted to believe it, wanted to believe it with all my heart, all my soul.  But…I…was…too…scared.

         I didn’t feel like I deserved it.  You scared me; you’ve always scared me.  I wanted to believe you, I wanted to believe in us, but there’s an easier way out.

         I’ve learned from you; isn’t that enough?  Do I have to continue?  Do I have to continue to right everything that I’ve wronged?  ALL the things that I wish I could take back.  I’m so sorry.  I didn’t mean to do any of it.  I was only a child.  Why won’t you forgive me?

         I keep texting you how amazing you are, how happy I will be when that someone comes into your life.  Do you know why?  Because it’s a lie, a lie so I don’t feel guilty, a lie so I can feel comfortable right now, so I can feel comfortable in the arms of someone that will only pretend to love me the way that you do.

        I say I want you to be happy, that I want you to find your next someone, but when I see you with her, it will break my heart, it will crush my soul.  It will make me question EVERYTHING.  And, do you know why?  It’s because I haven’t found my next someone, I’ve only found my comfort between the pain, the space between. 

        And so, two souls stood facing each other without looking, both in denial.  One denying what lays in her heart, and the other denying what was to come.  If they would only try to look into each other’s eyes, peer into each other’s souls, the spell would be broken, but no, a different path was laid in front of both of them, a path that would break one of their hearts.

         And it wasn’t hers.

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